accept and move on

yeah i talk a big game
like everything is fine
and it never affected me

but i've been thinking about this alot lately
and i've come to the realization
that it did infact have an affect on me

what little girl wouldn't be changed by her father walking out

i stand by the fact that i don't consider him part of my life
that i have no feelings towards him whatsoever
well maybe a slight annoyance when he calls
but definitely nothing of a warm or familial nature
he didn't take an interest in me when he was here
and nothing changed when he left
and after the first few times he didn't show up
or call
or seem to remember we exisited
you learn to not expect anything
you move on and live your life anyway
he wouldn't have been an asset to it in the first place.

but i've come to the realization that it has infact
had an impact on my relationships with men
i used to tell myself
and everybody else
that it wasn't true and not to worry about me
yeah right

i am afraid to let people in
i keep people at a distance
because then when they leave
it doesn't hurt as much
because everybody leaves right?

i set my standards too high
i have unrealistic expectations
so i'm not surprised when i am dissapointed
because everybody dissapoints you right?

does the fact that i accept this about myself
mean i can get past it?
or am i screwed?