i pretty much had a complete break down last night
i was finally forced to own up to my issues
some of which were starting to create problems
which is of course what my unconscious mind had planned all along
push people away and they there fore cant hurt you (one of my issues - self sabotage)
hopefully that fact that they have been brought to light and strewn all over the bedroom floor will force me to actually deal with them.
instead of my usual m.o. of pretending everything is great while secretly having panic attacks alone in the bathroom (another issue obviously)
but here's the thing
how do you address these problems and attempt to fix them when your biggest issue is that you want the world (and yourself) to believe that you are a normal person and your childhood did nothing to effect your psyche. admitting that is admitting that the BDBE (biggest douche bag ever aka my father) actually had an effect on your life and who you are. which leads to the thought that maybe you are not as far from him as you thought and maybe you will someday end up like him, leaving broken families and battered spirits in your wake as you blithely live your life according to you own completely messed up set of rules.
and then i might as well give up now, go buy a tent and start hiding from the government.
1 comment:
I just wanted to tell you that you will not be like your father. You know how much his actions hurt the people around him. You also know that you don't want to put others through the same thing (nor are you are capable of it). You are better than him and don't forget that. None of us are destined to be like our parents.
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