i ain't demented . . . well maybe just a little bit

the other night i learned a piece of the choreography to 'breakin dishes' from rhiannas last tour
like what her back up dancers do and stuff
its actually pretty sweet
so i taught it to my adult hip hop class tonight
i was a little apprehensive considering the style is pretty different
there's some hitting yourself in the head as you turn in a circle
and some crazy psycho faces required through out
but they actually loved it and pretty much killed it

i'm not gonna lie
the adult class is probably my favorite
they just have so much fun and have amazing attitudes
they inspire me to be a better teacher

in other news i am desperately trying to get people to come hang out with me on sat
i need to interact with other humans
or i may turn into a robot
so far i have one person!
go me.

also i spilled an entire bottle of soap at work today
and it all went into my shoe
then i tried to go get the mop
and fell
because my shoe was slippery from the soap

blue mermaid dress

sitting at home alone
texting my mom trying to convince her
to make me dinner tomorrow
because i am sad and lonely
also i am trying to teach blair waldorf to ride on my shoulders
she hasn't scratched my eyes out yet
so i'd say its going well

i am trying to learn to use the slow cooker
my first attempt was a definite fail
but i think this one is fool proof . . . chicken, potatoes and gravy
how could i mess that up right?

i got to see an amazing show yesterday here in black diamond
corin raymond and jonathon byrd
the first from toronto the second from north carolina i believe
both acoustic folksy singer songwriter types
both mind blowing
i cried at pretty much every song to be honest
and not just cause i'm mopey in general these days
but it probably did contribute
if you ever get a chance to see either, do not pass it up

is it normal that blair waldorf keeps jumping in the shower when i'm in it?
as soon as i turn the water on i hear her little paws come running
and then then shes right in there
mostly she stays behind the curtain and just plays with the water
but a couple of times shes got right in there
i feel like i'm going to lose a lot of skin one of these days

my cat jumped in the shower today and thats all i have to talk about

the solitude is taking its toll.
if i didn't have to leave the house for work or dance i probably never would
this has always been my problem
without friends who know me
i like to isolate myself from the outside world
i'm not comfortable calling up acquaintances or just going out to see if any one is around
i need my armour (or 'friends' in other words)
to be able to face the general populace

sometimes i think if i'm not careful
i could be one of those people who never leaves the house and order groceries on the internet

another warning sign:
i talk to and about blair waldorf way to much
i also insist that other people call her by her full name
these are sad times people

in other news!
dance is crazy busy but i'm loving every second of it
i've have class every single day this week
and that makes 12 days of straight dancing
hello dream come true

i feel i am truly pushing myself choreography-wise this year
and i can't wait to see were it goes
some where good i'm hoping . . .

well this is it
after a very early drive to the airport on saturday i will have exactly one friend left
well one who is still on the continent
two if you count blair waldorf
but i feel she only like me cause i feed her and build her houses out of cardboard boxes

yes, that is correct
last night i spent a ridiculous amount of time making a house for her
and by house i mean i cut some holes in the side of a box
but they are different sizes to make it more fun
obviously

right now i should be mixing music and choreographing
but i am procrastinating
i feel uninspired
and like i am repeating myself
so instead i am reading blogs and looking up micheal jackson songs

a friend wrote a post recently about gossip and how she has been affected by rumours
and vowing to stop participating in such things
i would like to make such a vow as well since i have recently been the subject of gossip and rumors to the point where i was in tears almost every day and basically refused to leave the house. heres the problem though: this town is too small and there is nothing else to do.

i know, i should rise above it blah blah blah
but heres the truth
i will probably not stop gossiping
and that makes me feel like a bad person
but at least i'm honest about it right?

two things that are scaring me right now

so strep throat . . . we meet again
i will defeat you again

. . . well maybe. if i ever had a minute to rest or sleep or not be doing ten things at once.
why do i have two jobs again?

oh right
the job i love does not yet pay me enough to support myself
so i must continue with the job i need to pay the bills
boo

if 4 out of 5 people at your workplace are pregnant
and your that one who's not
should you start wearing those face masks to work to prevent it from spreading
or just swear a vow of celibacy?

don't drink the water people
(or more likely: don't have unprotected sex)

because chuck bass is a boys name

so much has happened . . .

i ended my relationship of a year
it was one of the hardest decision i've ever had to make
seeing as how we were planning our hypothetical wedding a few months ago
but the lightness and relief i feel now
make me certain it was the right decision
also a good clue : when you call in fake sick to your boyfriend. never a good sign.

the only problem now is that he seems to be hanging around
waiting for me to change my mind
trying to play the friend card
but i'm not getting the 'friend' vibe
i must tread lightly or pay the consequences

new addition to the house
miss blair waldorf
or b.dubs for short
so named because she is sneaky and bad and wonderful all at the same time. and she bites
note to self: hide secret cat from landlord

is it sad that we named our cat after a gossip girl character?

we never claimed to be classy, only highly entertaining.

my three most loved and needed ladies are leaving me
off to the continent to explore the world
and make out with boys who don't speak english
while i sit here alone but for b.dubs and the internet
because i spent all my money on jamiaca and nyc
while i do not regret my choices
i may have made different ones had i known the state my life would be in at this particular moment . . .

new orbit

so it seems that just because you know what your problem is, doesn't make you automatically able to fix it. and that sucks balls.

in general, when i am on my own i am very independent.
i don't ask for help unless desperate.
i fix my own problems.
i actually enjoy being by myself.

but and the other side of the coin:
when i meet someone i truly care about i tend to go a little overboard.

quote:
" you can have my time, my devotion, my ass, my money, my family, my dog, my dogs money, my dogs time - everything. if i love you, i will carry for you all your pain, i will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), i will protect you from your own insecurity, i will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you never actually cultivated in yourself and i will but christmas presents for your entire family. i will give you the sun and the rain. i will give you all this and more, until i get so exhausted and depleted that the only way i can recover is by becoming infatuated with someone else."

change the end to read " by become completely disconnected with you." and this is the story of my relationship(s).

i forget that i like to be alone sometimes, i put of the things i like to d,o to do things that "we" want to you. "I" ceases to exist and there is only "US". I know this is a common problem and you would think that fact that I KNOW I DO THIS would have prevented it from happening so severely again, but you would be wrong. I am currently at the point where i feel like i don't really know myself anymore. i used to be so sure of who i was as a person, but now i am a stranger to my own psyche.

my only recourse has been to almost completely cut myself of from said other half in order to re-balance my sense of self and inner peace. so now i am on a journey to re-discover all those things i used to be so sure of and perhaps some things i never knew in the first place.

as always, i will let music and dance bring me back to my center. with a few doses of friends and cheap wine thrown in for good measure.

new apartment plus no mold equals hapy times.
living upstairs is way better then living downstairs
dont let anyone tell you different

this wireless keyboard sucks balls
it took 3 tries to write that sentence correctly
also hooking your computer to your tv is only cool in theory
and makes me very angry in real life
get a desk!

he was NOT a fun-guy . . .

last week whilst cleaning the bathroom i noticed some strange brown dots growing on the wall and floor where the bathtub meets the toilet. so i bleached the area and quickly forgot about it.

today we found actual mushrooms growing in our spare room

they looked like pasta, so S picked one up with HER FINGERS.

i don't know what she was thinking!
I was thinking, "we never use this room so there is no way that is not some sort of mutant growth!"
which led to my next thought, " I'm not fucking touching that."
and to me, that seems like the normal response to finding large yellow fungus type things in the spare room you are never in because it smells kinda weird.

seriously.

but were moving into the upstairs apartment anyway so who cares. and we chose not to say anything to the landlord lest we be blamed for some how purposely growing mushrooms.

there is no gas in town
there is no gas in my car
and i am supposed to be in jasper tomorrow morning
this is quite the predicament . . .
and the person whos job it is to help me in these situations,
is busy pouting and being childish
so once again
i am fixing the problem

but here is the thing

after i fix the problem
i then have to deal with the pouting because i didn't wait for him to fix it
well sorry buddy but maybe if you would do it when i need to you to
instead of whenever you get around to it
i wouldnt feel the need to do it myself

why is this concept so difficult for men to grasp?